I remember when I lashed out at my best friend. I got really defensive and my focus was on fighting back because I felt hurt by unfairness. Anger grabs our awareness and our mind gets narrower. What if I was able to notice my breath and slow down my breath in that moment? I’m able to give you simple tools to broaden your awareness and eventually, you will be able to become less reactive and manage your anger.
Hello, my name is Hong Jeong, licensed therapist based in Los Angeles, CA. Welcome to my virtual therapy session #2 on anger management. Today, we’re learning how to accept anger instead of pushing it away. It’s normal to avoid negative or unpleasant emotions. As you might know, running away from problems does not solve the problem. Thus, the opposite of running away is accepting. I will walk you through steps to accept your anger and ride the waves of anger. First, let’s review our progress. In our last session, we’ve talked about 5 anger stages: Pre-anger feelings, sensations, trigger thoughts, impulses, and anger behaviors. I’ve prepared 4 questions for you to process and digest your progress.
#1. How would you describe your mood in the past week on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being the most unpleasant and 10 being the most pleasant you can feel)?
#2. What emotional and physical change did you notice when monitoring 5 anger stages?
#3. Can you tell me at least 2-3 actions that helped you feel less angry?
#4. Can you tell me at least 2-3 actions that intensify your anger?
Understanding Anger
Working in the field of mental health for a while, I’ve noticed that a lot of people seek help from therapy in hopes of controlling anger. And I asked my clients, “What is it like to control anger?” I heard, “I want to feel calm when I talk to my wife about money...I do not want to lash out at people when things do not go as planned...I do not want to shut down when I get angry.” And I respond, “oh you mean you want to control your behaviors when you feel angry.” In our last session, we’ve talked about five anger stages. The purpose of understanding the five anger stages is to simply notice them instead of automatically behaving in anger. We want to control our behaviors opposed to controlling anger. I believe that not feeling angry is impossible. Humans are emotional creatures. Without emotions, we would not have survived. If we did not know how to differentiate between feeling safe and threatened. Many of us were eaten by predators in the wild.
We often think that we’re very aware of ourselves. However, we forget to check how our body feels. It’s because our body is designed to function with little conscious awareness. Here is a small awareness exercise. I want you to grab your wrist just like so and whatever your hand feels like, start moving your hand. Doing this movement requires a lot of thinking and awareness. My guess is that your hand was moving as if it had a mind of its own. Does thinking come first or sensations come first? Are we moving because we feel and think. Or do we feel and think because we’re moving. One of my daily routines is stretching. I simply stretch my arms, back, neck, and legs. It does not take a lot of awareness to do such a simple task. Whenever I stretch myself, I feel alive and energetic. And this leads to hopeful and positive thoughts.
One struggle we have is that we control anger by thinking. Oftentimes, we believe that we get angry when people treat us unfairly or violate our well-being or the well-being of our loved one. This is our mind’s job to analyze and evaluate what’s going on around us. When our mind focuses on what’s wrong, we get a fixed mindset. For this reason, our awareness gets narrower and narrower. How can we expand our awareness even when dealing with unfairness?
How mindfulness can help you
A study found that the majority of participants who practice mindfulness 5-10 minutes a day scored lower on overthinking and scored higher on happiness. Mindfulness is an evidence based approach and takes many forms. You do not have to sit on the yoga mat and meditate. Mindfulness can be used while you’re working, walking somewhere, watching Netfliex, or playing video games. Whatever floats your boat. The important note here is that you have to know your preferences and know what works for you.
The name of the game with mindfulness is not to distract ourselves from our feelings, thoughts, sensations, and impulses. Distraction is the very opposite of mindfulness; distraction is turning away from what is here in the present and trying to escape it. Mindfulness involves turning towards what’s here in the present moment. Granted, it can be challenging and even useless. Mindfulness will help us open to our own experience with anger and let anger settle down on its own. We want to allow the wave of anger to reach the crest and come down on its own.
Explore what’s really behind your anger
It’s better experienced than explained. The exercise we’re doing is called “Riding the wave.”
Alright, I want you to sit comfortable and notice your breath. Feel the rise and fall of your chest. Scan your body from head to toe and notice all sensations in your body. You might notice some tension or relaxation, comfort or discomfort, pain of relief. Whatever that is, let it be there. You do not have to change it or judge it. We’re here to ride the wave of the sensations in our body. Let’s take a moment to notice and contain all bodily sensations.
Imagine for a moment an ocean wave as it approaches shore. It's steep and tall and yet it did not reach the crest. Think of birds floating on the water. They do not fly away. They simply ride the waves however they come and go. All emotions are wavelike and time limited. They slowly build up and get bigger and more powerful. And they settle. Anger comes and goes in a similar manner. It does not last forever.
With that in mind, imagine that your mind is a medium sized white room with two doors. Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door. Take a moment to pay attention to each thought as it enters. Now label thoughts as negative or positive, right or wrong, pleasant or unpleasant. Use your creativity here. You are just an observer here and do not have to control them. Just let them have their brief life. As you observe thoughts, notice how your body feels. Continue this exercise until you feel a real emotional distance from your thoughts.
When it feels right, think of a recent situation where you felt mistreated or upset. Visualize the scene and let it play for a moment. Notice your judging or blaming thoughts as you keep focusing on the scene. Remember, you are safe in this present moment. Allow your anger to rise until it’s a four or five on a scale of one to ten. We do not want to get too overwhelmed by anger. It’s a tolerance exercise in a way.
Great! Now go back to the white room. Observe your thoughts from a distance and label them. Remind yourself that a thought is a thought. Now notice the emotional wave in the room with you. Be aware of your body as you watch the rise and fall of the emotional wave. Acknowledge wherever you’re on the wave. You do not have to rush anything to get past it. All you can do is let it come and go. Feel your body spontaneously as you watch thoughts entering and leaving the white room and notice the progress of the wave. Take a moment here.
We are conditioned to control our emotions. However, if we’re able to observe our mind and body, our anger will paradoxically stop controlling us. The goal is to stay present in your body and mind and not run away from or control them. I want you to do a small experiment with this exercise. Practice this exercise 1-2 times a day to take a note of your feelings and thoughts. Remember, you can do this exercise, “riding the wave” any time and any place. It’d be a good idea to practice it when you feel neutral or calm. Thus, you can build tolerance.
If you need assistance with Anger Management, please schedule a 20 minute free consultation with me.